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| i always thought it would have to be done in person to feel the magic. two people gazing into each other's eyes in the moonlight as the rest of the world disappeared.
but i was sitting on my unmade bed alone, eyes puffy with tissue in hand, staring into the distance with the phone by my head. i had to tell him everything that had tormented me through april and may of 2009. really, i poured my heart out. i asked him if there was anything he ever kept from me, because the last thing i would ever want is to have him confine his hurt feelings within.
"well, there is one thing..."
"and what's that?"
a pause.
"I love you."
and there they were. the words that i thought would always be a figment of my wildest, most outlandish dreams. dreams that every girl has since they were young of finding the perfect boy who makes them happy beyond comparison.
"...more than I thought i ever could. I really do."
a longer pause. I couldn't believe it. What can you say to someone who confesses something so special to you? Did I return his feelings at nearly as profound of a level? Love is something you're supposed to just know you have once you feel it. Love is not something to be taken lightly or verbally retorted with abandon. As Dr. Seuss said, "You know you're in love when reality is finally better than your dreams."
So I knew.
"...I love you too."
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| in three days, i am going to graduate high school. how much things have changed blows my mind...i don't even know where to begin.
i think my drive to succeed has developed ..EXPONENTIALLY HAHA...as has my willingness to sacrifice sleep to accomplish things. a lack of sleep is definitely going to take a toll on my health one of these days, but I think this new ability will come in handy a lot in college and grad school. Also...reading 80-page chapters was once an impossibility. now? gotta do it... --> done. time management comes a lot easier now.
on a personal scale though, i was surprised when a friend of mine told me today that he thought i had the perfect life.
....WTF?! me with a perfect life...
then i realize how someone else's perspective may lead them to potentially think this way.
these past four years i have worked my ass off completely, and although i don't have the highest gpa or sat scores, they're relatively great. the internship...the academic awards (which, until a couple weeks ago, I didn't have any awards whatsoever in high school. lol. talk about getting a surprise at the end of the year)...getting into UOP's accelerated program (always thought i was destined to just go to any random school, maybe a UC). basically i have my future set. it feels AMAZING. school- and career- wise, the deed is done.
and my friends....i love my friends. the one who told me that my life is perfect said that i have more friends than anyone he knows. whether or not this actually true, i don't think it is true. it's kind of a hard thing to accept because two years ago, i hated life. i hated myself.
friends? i didn't have ANY. there are always those acquiantances who you say hi to, and at the end of the day, nobody cares about you. my family didn't talk to me much...they mainly talked to my sister. and my sister is alright, but she weirds me out sometimes lol. that was the darkest period of my life...i really had no one, and it was hard to cry myself to sleep most nights.
i've learned to separate the acquaintances from my true, good friends. i appreciate my friends SO much now, they will never understand how much they have affected my life. having people who will listen to my problems, share with me their worries, talk to me not only for the laughs but just for being there....i don't know if you know it or not but you saved me. all those fun times hanging out. doesn't matter if we were doing anything or not!
i'm not gonna lie - in the friend department, i've got it made.
i guess you'd say those are the two more important parts to a great life. there is another department though...i won't lie either. bad timing's making luck hard to get for me.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that my life is blessed in a way. i don't feel that way ever though....it definitely is not perfect. it's just very lucky in the more important areas :]
life should stay good like this. i like it. <3
people who have made a profound difference in my high school years: Jonathan Yee, Crystal Hung, Erika Lee, Cindy Ann, Timothy Lee, Jenny Mei, Cindy Ha, Michelle Leu ...to be cont.
i love you guys :]
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| damn my love-hate relationship with you.
i empathize more with you now because i guess i'm also in your situation. things can't be forced..and no one can make themselves like someone else.
sigggh.
life would be easier if we all could though huh.
- edit -
i think i'm going to take up poetry again.
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| things i will write about random people in my life. they won't be named, because where's the fun if everyone can read who they are? :]
Person 1: i've known you for sooooo long and i'm happy i'm getting closer to you...sadly it's our last year together and this is the closest we've possibly been. internet + aim + stupid online videos/games. you're such a sweet and gorgeous girl :] though you make fun of me a lot for stuff hahahahahaha. but then again who doesn't make fun of me... you're so easy to talk to and understanding. you always have something interesting to say. i love you girl with all my heart!
Person 2: you're pretty odd sometimes but overall you're a funny guy hahaha. you're really chill and kinda easy to talk to, so i don't usually feel awkward around you. when you bug me about stuff i really want to slap you LOL. and you can be really rude sometimes...yet i don't even understand why i trust you with some facts about me? you're also overly random and ask strange questions LOL..but i guess that keeps things a little interesting.
Person 3: i've known you for a really long time as well! as long as person 1. you are one of the best friends i've ever had (in fact, the second BEST FRIEND i've ever had. the first being a girl named lauren that i played with when i was in kindergarten and the first grade lololol.) you're odd sometimes and have a very crude sense of humor, but i like that you're not a girly girl and i can be totally inappropriate and not P.C. around you. not going to describe physical characteristics...would make it way too obvious HAHAH. you're fun to..make fun of other people with :D hehe.
Person 4: i've known you all of high school and honestly at first i thought you were mean >__> i think both of us have changed a lot over the past four years and you are now one of my good friends :] you're really sweet and fun to talk to, you always have something interesting to say. when we talk i think you bring up stuff that i've been thinking about but never really thought to voice out loud. our summer jobs together..classes together. hanging out. i'm so happy i've gotten to know you better in the past year, though i wish we did earlier in high school. ILU! :]
Person 5: we've hung out together with mutual friends many many times....i know those 50 trips to the movies over the summer and hangouts at people's houses were sure fun. i didn't even really start to talk to you until you imed me constantly on aim. i see a pattern here..i always end up getting to know people who im me even when i don't always respond back hehehe D:. but thank goodness for that. you're funny and have interesting stuff to send me haha. hilarious videos. bash. you're a cool guy, yep!
Person 6: i think of you from time to time, not usually in a good light. we have a few good memories from last year from class, field trips. we talked a lot over the summer...into the early hours of the morning (till 5 in the morning A LOT, remember)? i shared a lot about myself with you, mostly because you asked a lot of questions. you are the king of random...with an agenda (i'm not stupid, i knew haha). i just played dumb cause..i didn't want things to get awkward. inevitably they did when you were an ass to me >:| as nice as those memories were, i don't really miss you. just know that i remember.
Person 7: let's seeeee...what can i say about one of the coolest friendships i've made? when i met you in class i totally did not expect to keep in contact with you for so long and that we'd get along so well! :] you're always fun to talk to and hilarious to be around. you make fun of me a lot T__T but i still love you for it ahaha. it's okay because i know what bugs you >:] you can come off pretty mean...but i know you're a nice guy. you're not serious very often so it always catches me off guard the rare times that you are. we're suuuch good buds but i feel sometimes like i still don't know you well enough? i hope one day i feel like i do :]
okay i'm getting tired. just seven people for now! if you read this you can ask me if i'm talking about you...if you guess right. don't be shy, seriously haha. :D
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| i suddenly got this overwhelming feeling...i realized i miss 2008 A LOT. and it's only been what..eight days into the year? what can i say about the arguably best year of my life??? so many firsts...got my license. first job...full-time job/internship. felt happy and content for the first time in a while...and it lasted through the end of the year. made so many friends, got closer to people i never thought i would, learned so much about myself. more drama than i've experienced over a lifetime. realized who matters and who doesn't. and within this first week of the year it's gone downhill in every way imaginable. family, finance, friends, school performance... i was not expecting 2009 to have the shittiest beginning ever. | | |
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